Abstinence makes the heart grow fonder

So I have decided to abstain from women. Nearly all of my friends think I’m crazy for it, but some get it when I explain. Now I know it’s not going to be something for everybody. In fact, it’s definitely not something for me, but I know that tremendous growth comes from it. So here is a deeply honest account for you which will hopefully provide you with some food for thought.

So at the end of my last relationship (don’t worry, it’s not a bitter story) I looked back and realised I had ALWAYS had a woman in my life in some regard. Growing up my mother was a prominent figure. Once I had fled the nest it became about getting female attention to have a girlfriend. It took me a little while but once I had one, there was no turning back. From that point on, I could see the next 15 or so years of my life were either in a relationship, or seeking sexual partners. I am very fortunate in that I am not the worst looking and have no problem talking to women, so I had never had a problem achieving this. For a lot of men, this would be a great scenario, and I did always enjoy it to be fair. But I then came to realise it as an actual weakness.

I never saw it as harmful to view women in such wonder. It’s natural when we are brought into this world by a female to be in awe. It can be argued that as a sex they were suppressed because of the command they have over many men. So I believed I was celebrating their power and wonder. I had always said that everything good about me was down to a female; either being taught by my mother, ‘trained’ by a past relationship or something learnt to court women. So in each of my relationships with women I held them in high regard, often on a pedestal, aiming to please them and keep them happy, which in turn made me happy. This might sound familiar to some. Some men will say this is done to maintain a quiet and peaceful life. It amounts to the same thing and it took me a while (36 years to be precise) to figure what that was. I never believed it as I always thought every relationship was better than the previous- so the next one was going to be amazing!!! But it really stems from a fear of being without a woman of some description.

“The secret men seldom tell, and often do not know (consciously) is the extent to which our lives circle around our relationships to WOMAN. It takes half a lifetime of struggle for us to win a separate identity. We are haunted by WOMAN in her many manifestations. She is the centre around which our lives circle. WOMAN is the mysterious ground of our being that we cannot penetrate. She is the audience before whom the dramas of our lives are played out. She is the judge who pronounces us guilty or innocent. She is the Garden of Eden from which we are exiled and the paradise for which our bodies long. She is at once terrifying and fascinating.” Sam Keen

This resonated with me deeply and I knew it to be true. Could I go a week without some form of intimate (mental, emotional or physical) contact with a female? I think not! I was effectively addicted to ‘WOMAN’. I could continue, and in all honesty have a pretty damn good life. Or I could fight the addiction, have an even better life where I am in command and actually be of stronger use to women. So what is there to gain?

100% genuine

By releasing myself from women I know that I am being authentic to myself. The things I do are not subconsciously to ‘get the girl’, ‘impress’ or ‘please’ a woman, but totally what I want to do. That may sound selfish, but it just means not being controlled by my subconscious or seeking approval. In this I include thinking with a ‘holy trinity’- brain, heart and penis as one- instead of each controlling thoughts individually. This is very much a skill to be learnt, but gives great strength.

100% comfortable with myself and being alone

Leo from actualized.org suggests EVERY addiction is from a fear of emptiness, emptiness felt when being alone, and to get over addiction you have to become totally comfortable alone, without stimulation. Abstaining from women helps to realise you are really all you need and realising you are really all you need helps you abstain from women. Getting free from addiction in this way helps rid yourself of other addictions too. And be honest with yourself; what are you addicted to? You could go as far as to say you’re addicted to conversation. I am not saying do not see or speak to anyone. I am saying try a period of being alone for extended lengths of time. I am now sitting for an hour at least once a week (and no more than once a day) without any stimulation, any movement or any focus. So gazing at a blank wall completely still, trying to let the mind go completely still too. Get an itch…leave it! Leg ache? Leave it. It’s incredibly difficult but the rewards are becoming truly comfortable with being alone with NOTHING.

100% me

I am now ‘creating’ myself, rather than being created by women. Don’t get me wrong, the women before me did a fantastic job. My toilet seat etiquette is top notch! But seriously, I think they made a well rounded individual that I can now just add the finishing touches to- such as by doing this.  In only needing approval from myself I am freer which will also benefit others. I do a better job of things as they are for ME!

100% love

This was the key one for me. When in romantic love during addiction, are you really loving purely or are you loving to feed an addiction? I ask this rhetorically. I do know that when you are free of your addiction your love is completely pure. It isn’t out of a need in any way at all. If most of us are 100% honest with ourselves, our love is out of some form of need. There is NOTHING wrong with this. I just wanted to move away from that and into one of purity. Now a romantic love is straight from the heart, opposed to from the heart with a dash of brain and a sprinkle of penis in there.

Now I may have made myself sound like some womanising sex addict a la Russell Brand. This is just because I have been brutally honest and used the word addiction to describe things. Most wouldn’t see it as such, but it is. I would love you to really be honest with yourself and look at your views on women. When you look deeply, so much of our male behaviour can be down to our primitive need to procreate. We are no longer primitive beings but still have those aspects inside our subconscious. This is just how I am ridding one of those aspects. I do not know how long this period will need to be, but I do know that upon my ‘return to women’ I will be of much greater service.

I’d love to know your thoughts, whether it has made you see similarities in yourself, or maybe you think it a load of old bull. You may be female and it might help you understand male behaviour more, or you may see similarities with your own life. This certainly isn’t exclusive to men.


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